Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
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Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Gemma Correll
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building