Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
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imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
#damn
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him: