I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
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Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
classic mixup
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118