I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
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Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.