I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
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Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
A small tragedy.
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In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.