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Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”