Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
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41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Shower sex be like:
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.