Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
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these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.