So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
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Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
A fake ID that makes you younger
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I hate my earbuds.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
wow
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question