her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
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People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.