Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
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Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder