Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
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My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.