Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
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don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me: