Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
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TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life