The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
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The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
I am a gravy boat captain
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse