How do horror writers compete with current events?
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i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Greeting humans vs their dogs
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Mornin
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Can’t stop laughing
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
the world’s most popular steaming services
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.