Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
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I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.