Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
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Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.