So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
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Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.