If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
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911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Breaking news:
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast