Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
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Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)