Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
![]()
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
![]()
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there