{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.