“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
You Might Also Like
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
‘I know a black person’
– White people
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme