*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
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Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
don’t be scared
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Everything reminds me of my ex
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc