@n0tblonde

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

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@noog

What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?

@

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

@MiahSaint

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

@mysteryteacher

Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?

Everybody.

@robfee

I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”

@d_whitehouse

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

@noog

*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*

@FrilentMusic

“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*

@meantomyself

You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:

Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet