@noog What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
@n0tblonde If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
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@noog To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
@MiahSaint This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
@mysteryteacher Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
@robfee I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
@d_whitehouse Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
@kimquindlen Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
@noog *notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
@FrilentMusic “Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
@meantomyself You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet