If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
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I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Every work call, he judges.
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Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
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Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
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