If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
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Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.