If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
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my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.