If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
You Might Also Like
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
same bro
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.