If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
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Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.