The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
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Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
I am having an out of money experience.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Watson was Holmes schooled
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.