Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
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If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Breaking news:
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.