What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
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[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??