Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
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My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*