I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
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Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
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My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.