I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
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Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
my professor scared me for a second
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you