I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
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Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I would move hell over six inches for you
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.