5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
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Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”