Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
You Might Also Like
🤣🤣🤣
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
selfie game
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Golf would be better with landmines.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
best first i’ve ever seen
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.