Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
But is it really??
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner