I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
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titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.