My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
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Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.