“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
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WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.