Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
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Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
The biggest mystery of our time
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
I hope it’s French Onion!
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?