If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
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*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Welcome to the stomach