Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
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The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind