taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
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[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know