(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
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If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…