I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
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Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will