*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
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True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.