Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
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(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.