Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
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My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.