They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
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When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.