Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
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A duv-egg? In this economy?
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”