I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
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My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
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There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
…żyje?
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Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
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Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
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If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.