Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
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You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Thinking about Jeff
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.