Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
You Might Also Like
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.